Sometimes, try as we might, we cannot predict the future. And I have to say I feel foolish actually believing Debbie could really be a “normal” dog. I sit here typing this, ruminating as my thumb throbs, thankful that I never really ever trust her. I can’t. I don’t think Debbie even trusts herself. Oddly, Bitsy trusts everyone in the household. Even Debbie.

Last night we had an “incident”. I feel so bad for the AT&T lady I was initiating a phone call with when the shit went down. Bits and Deb were gnawin’ on each other as they do every day. Suddenly what I heard coming from Debbie was the precursor to Cujo. I can’t quite explain it. I just know. Before I could fully turn around the sound of full on violence broke out. I quickly dropped the phone and turned my attention to the dogs. I had Debbie in a matter of seconds, she is the one you always grab first. You grab Debbie the skirmish is over. But as I was grabbing her all I could think about was protecting Bits and not letting teeth connect. So naturally I grab onto Debbie’s jaw with my hand. I watched in horror, that kind of slow motion horror you experience when you do something stupid, as her teeth clamped down on my thumb. MTHRFKR did that hurt! Thankfully when she realized it was my hand she stopped mid chomp.

Bitsy thought it was all a fun game. The dufus actually went to go after Debbie in that playful shifty kind of way. I couldn’t believe it! Debbie is like “oh ya! Come a little closer!” as I am wrestling her to the kennel to throw her dumb ass into it. Bitsy is darting in and out of Debbie’s face like a kamikaze pilot and I start to bleed.

Once Debbie was secured I assessed the damage. My thumb didn’t look too bad but you know how much something can bleed when your adrenaline is pumping high. I looked around. Everyone (all the beasts) were still and silent watching me. Debbie couldn’t even meet my gaze. Bitch, I thought.

It all happened so fast. I was thankful that I am as vigilant as I am about supervising play. These things always seem to happen when I relax and start to think I can ease up a bit. And by that I mean never leaving Debbie unattended with a foster or visiting dog. One comes with me no matter what. Even if it is just to get the laundry. They do not go out to potty at the same time. People have chided me for this. Now, in the aftermath, I think about what could have occurred had I not been there right away. What if I were in the basement doing laundry? Perhaps I wouldn’t hear anything right away. Nope, can’t be done. I must remain as I am. Hypersensitive to the possibility.

I don’t want to over dramatize what happened. Everyone is perfectly fine. Not a scratch on ‘em. And often with dog tussles it always sounds much worse than it really is. I am the only one who got nailed. But it is scary nonetheless.

Dogs don’t carry the same baggage as we humans do. For when Debbie emerged from the kennel Bits pounced on her to play. Debbie came running to me. Which is what she always does. Clings to the mamma. “Do you still love me?”, she seems to ask. I ignore her. At that moment I do not love her. I am disappointed and angry. She had been doing so well. I was so proud.

I kick myself too. Why didn’t I stop the play to make the call?

I got up to go lay down and decompress. She followed but stayed on the floor waiting to be invited onto the bed. I turned my back on her like a scorned lover. I spooned Ike and Bitsy crawled into the bend of my knees. Chi curled up by my head.

I forgive Debbie after a while. I always do. Yet my grieving begins anew. Debbie will never, ever be “normal” no matter what. She is a managed dog who is easily offended.

At least she can have friends who don’t bear her a grudge.

~ Postscript ~

I was reminded this evening by a very wise friend of mine that I am a little too hard on Debbie and myself. She is right, I am.

And what business do I have holding a grudge when Bitsy herself let me know the situation didn’t merit one? I guess some days more than others I imagine a simpler way. But I have to remind myself, I did not choose the simpler way. So, here I am – officially drawing my toes from out of the pity pool. And here I am apologizing to my sweet Madgi Mae (a.k.a. Debbie) for expecting her to be anything other than who she is. For forgetting how hard she has worked with me to be a better dog. For helping me to become a better human.

Onward…

Filed under: Observations & Reflection