
Scene: Me and Jo at home in the dining room, aka The Hallowed Room of Canine Learning
Me: Okay, Jo, let’s do a little warm up. We’ll start by practicing going to your bed.
Jo: That’s boring, you should give me treats for looking cute. See how cute I am?
Me: Go to your bed, Jo.
Jo: Fine. (goes to her bed). See? I know this one already.
Me: Very good, Jo, here’s a treat. Now go to your bed again.
Jo: But I was just there. Y’know what we should do? We should go for a walk.
Me: Jo, go to your bed.
Jo: Yeah, yeah. (goes to her bed) Ta-da!
Me: Good job, Jo, here’s a treat. Now, go to your bed again.
Jo: Seriously? Again? Lady, you need to learn some new tricks. (goes to her bed)
Me: Thank you, Jo, here’s a treat.
Jo: Right, now, about that walk-
Me: Okay, Let’s do something new. How about shake? Shake is a good trick to learn because –
(Keagan enters room. Jo walks over to say hi.)
Me: Jo, pay attention, please.
Jo: But Keagan is here. He needs a bath.
Me: Dog spit is not a bath.
Jo: And cat spit is?
Me: Jo, that’s not the topic up for discussion. Keagan, get out of here.
Keagan: Mrow.
Me: Don’t give me any of your lip, cat. Get out of here.
(Keagan jumps on top of the table.)
Me: Fine, stay up there. Now Jo, when people greet, they shake hands, so they get really happy when they meet a dog who can shake hands, too. So what you do -
Jo: Does this mean I can’t sniff crotches anymore?
Me: (frustrated) I don’t care if you sniff crotches. What you do for shake is -
Jo: Hey, look! Is that the mail man? (runs to the window)
Me: Jo! Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you! Come back here!
Jo: It’s not the mailman. Maybe it’s a squirrel!
Me: (sarcasm) Yes, because those two look so much alike. Jo, get over here.
(Jack saunters into the room and jumps on the table next to Keagan; the two cats glare at each other and pin their ears back.)
Jo: CATFIGHT!!!! I must defend Keagan! (tries to jump on the table)
Me: No! (grabs Jo) The cats are fine!
Jo: But this could be my chance to eat Jack!
Me: (emphatically) I am never going to let you eat Jack!
Jo: (whines) But I really, really what to!!!!
Me: (voice dangerously quiet) Jo, do you know where pit bulls came from?
Jo: Huh?
Me: Do. You. Know. Where pit bulls came from?
Jo: Pit bulls came from God! See, God wanted to give people something to remind them how much He loves them, so He created pit bulls to love people as much as He does!
Me: (shocked pause) Wha-How-Where did you learn that?
Jo: Dogs know lots more stuff than people. You guys just never bother to listen.
Me: (blinks) Okay, well, those of us who believe in evolution know that the ancestors of today’s pit bull came from Ireland. Do you know what else came from Ireland?
Jo: Hotdogs!
Me: WHAT?!? No! MY ancestors came from Ireland! Do you know what Ireland is famous for?
Jo: Hotdogs!
Me: NO! REALLY STUBBORN PEOPLE! But Jo, I am three times bigger than you, which means that I am three times more stubborn than you, which mean that I am going to teach you to shake if it gives me a freakin’ aneurysm to do it! Do you understand?!
Jo: Jeez, can I have a treat for listening to that rant?
Me: No!
Jo: Okay, so what are we doing?
Me: (deep breath) I am teaching you to shake. When I say “shake,” you take your paw and put it in my hand. Then I give you a treat.
Jo: Why didn’t you say so? (puts paw in hand) Like this?
Me: (sigh of relief) Yes, Jo, exactly like that. Here’s you treat.
Jo: Okay, put paw in hand (does), get treat. (gets treat)
Me: Ditto. (puts paw in hand and gets another treat) See, Jo? See how smart you are when you pay attention to something for more than three seconds?
Jo: Hey, look, lint!
Me: Jo! Lint is not foo – never mind, you already ate it. You want some snuggles?
Jo: SNUGGLES! (throws herself into my lap with wild abandon)
Me: (dramatic sigh) You, my dear, are incorrigible.
Jo: What does incorrigible mean?
Me: It means you’re just like me.
Jo: Oh, well, that’s okay then.
(pause)
Jo: Hey, mom?
Me: Yes, Jo?
Jo: I still think pit bulls are a gift from God.
Me: So do I, Jo.
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